First of all, I would just love to say THANK YOU - my blog got over 400 hits today with my post on my favorite albums of the year! I definitely was not expecting that so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I will try and think of more 2013 lists I can do as the year continues to dwindle away on us.
I decided that every week (or as often as possible) I am going to be doing more personal posts where I basically just talk about what is on my mind at the given time. These posts will be spontaneous and I won't promise you that they will be particularly interesting, but hey, I try.
It's currently 12:30 early into Thursday morning and I am having a semi meltdown for the most materialistic reason - my hair. It has been four months since I last dyed it so my roots were becoming a mind of their own thus I decided to bleach. After bleaching twice and toning once, I realized I have to tone again to get them light enough to then be toned by my purple shampoo. It's a long process and I don't want to talk about it. Anyway, I have to wait a few days before toning it again so my hair doesn't detach from my scalp and glitter to the floor in sad little silver strands. So right now, I have half purple hair and blonde roots. To get to the point, I have to walk around with hair that doesn't exactly meet my standards of looking good.
I have been trying to figure out for the past few hours why this whole hair situation is bugging me so much because it is so trivial and I am not a trivial person by all means. Things could be worse (side note, this is my motto for everything in life) like my hair could actually be falling out or it could be green or I could not have any hair at all. But it's still bothering me. It's bothering me to the point where I don't even want to go anywhere or do anything because people are going to stare at it and ask about when in reality, it actually isn't that bad. PEOPLE ARE DYING, RACHAEL and I am too fucking busy worrying about how I look.
I think this all goes back to the fact that I have always been observed by my family, friends and other onlookers that I don't care what people think about me, when actually, I care a lot. I care so much sometimes that it literally eats away at me. I am sure I am not alone in this, of course. I guess what is considered my "unique" style automatically makes people associate me as someone that doesn't give a fuck and yes, I don't "give a fuck" about a lot of things, but people's opinions and judgements have always weighed heavily on my shoulders. This, of course, all draws back to the terribly low self esteem problems I have had since I can remember. I can't go in public unless there is makeup on my face and I feel like I always have to look somewhat presentable to avoid the stares and ridicule of others even though they are probably the ones that don't give a fuck about how I look.
Especially with being home for the holidays and seeing people I haven't seen in forever, I feel like I almost have to keep up with that expectation of "not caring what other people think about me"or whatever the fuck it is. So now I am even more worried about how I look and dress and feel about myself because I have this whole "act" for lack of a better word to keep up with. I always used to give shit to people who played an act, but I realize that I have been doing it for years. I think everyone always has some sort of act they are playing, which is sad, but, for me especially, its my way of dealing with things.
I have, and always will, have social anxiety. I am really good at masking it or, as stated before, putting on an "act", but in any given social situation, I normally have a panic attack before, during or after it happens. Most of the time, I am really friendly to new people, but am never the one to approach someone and spend half the time inside my head, panicking and wondering what the person thinks about me and what they are going to say when I walk away. I think it rather sad that I have saved in my brain over a hundred different negative looks, comments and assumptions I have gotten from people that I can look back on and remember exactly how I felt when they were thrown at me.
University life has definitely caused a lot of these underlying emotions and feelings to come to the surface. I no longer have my safety bubble of already made friendships and the comfortably of my surroundings to keep the internal guard that as always been up shielded even more from the outside world. Putting my guard down is really hard and it's not something I do often which often results in me coming off as a cold hearted bitch, which I can honestly say I am not, I am just tired of getting hurt. But that's all a different story for a different day. Maybe for next week's after school special or something. We will see how I am feeling.
I used to be the girl that would absorb every negative thing that was said about me and use that as a way to change who I am - I thankfully don't do that anymore, but I still spend the majority of my days wondering what people think of me which is scary because I don't want to be that person. I want to be the girl that says FUCK YOU to makeup and not wearing sweatpants in public. I want to walk around wearing my hair however it may be that day and be able to eat in public without wondering if people are staring at me after each bite. I want to be able to do normal things and not wonder if there are new judgements being stirred around in the brain that belongs to the pair of eyes staring at me from across the room.
I don't want people to mix some things up, however - I know who I am and I love all of things I love. I like my new weird obsession with scrunchies and my constant need to wear boots and flannel. But, it is possible to like who you are, but still constantly feel insecure. I guess what I am getting at is that, you like the person you are, but not necessarily like the person people are seeing you as - just because I know who I am doesn't mean the person next to me does. In fact, I can look in a mirror and probably make a rather accurate assumption as to how a complete stranger would analyze me. It's just how most people operate. They observe and come to conclusions without even knowing - we all do it.
I don't want people to mix some things up, however - I know who I am and I love all of things I love. I like my new weird obsession with scrunchies and my constant need to wear boots and flannel. But, it is possible to like who you are, but still constantly feel insecure. I guess what I am getting at is that, you like the person you are, but not necessarily like the person people are seeing you as - just because I know who I am doesn't mean the person next to me does. In fact, I can look in a mirror and probably make a rather accurate assumption as to how a complete stranger would analyze me. It's just how most people operate. They observe and come to conclusions without even knowing - we all do it.
I am not where I want to be yet. Maybe one day, I will be. But for now, I will be the girl that is always obsessing over her hair, her reflection in the mirror and how she is perceived.
Stalk me:
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